Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
