9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
