happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
