Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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