I heard we made out
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We have started to decorate penises.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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