between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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