Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
