This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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