I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
