The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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