I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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