Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
