I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize