you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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