She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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