i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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