True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
