Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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