I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
