he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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