Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
