I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
