You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize