oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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