There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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