Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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