Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
