between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
