Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
