Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
