You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
