There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
