brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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