Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
