Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
