OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
