I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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