I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize