Umm I'm too high to move.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
