I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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