Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
