Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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