I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
