We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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