im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
