That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
