Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
