I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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