I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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