did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
