Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
