when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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