Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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