awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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