Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
