I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
