Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
