My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
