clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize