don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
