Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Randomize
