Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
