I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize