White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
